jimmychenchen

what i ate today

Thu, 24 May 2012 20:29:00 -0700

i went insane today eating. i think i ate ~3500 calories today, 1,500 over my daily allowance, which converts to 0.5 lbs.

breakfast

coffee

‘raisin swirl,’ basically a brioche-like thing with raisins in it

lunch

turkey, cheddar, avocado sandwich w/ aioli (referred to my employer’s annex-cafe as the ‘sunset’)

2.5 glasses of wine, leftover from yesterday’s employee farewell party

coffee

caramels*

bag of popcorn*

bag of stacy’s pita chips

~10 oz. of spinach dip, leftover from co-worker’s party last weekend which they brought to work and announced was ‘free’ (i got the pita chips for the sole purpose of legitimately eating this dip.)

mini fudge donut*

mini lemon glazed scone*

(* i had a starbucks $5 dollar gift card which i got for doing an online survey which i felt inspired to use.)

snack

chocolate chip cookie

coffee

dinner

3-item chinese take-out from ‘wok and go’: fried rice with (1) salt n’ pepper pork, (2) curry chicken, and (3) mixed veggies

2 glasses of wine

desert (at cafe i’m at now)

glass of wine

fancy chocolate thing with french name i can’t remember

i still don’t feel ‘done,’ like i think i’ll stop by walgreens and get a canister of pringles. i don’t do LSD or coke, nor do i go skiing or spend money on gold-diggers, so i feel i deserve this. my body is what remains after the soul leaves. it lives on this earth and has no choice to but listen to paul mccartney songs being written today. see you around.

four provocative self portraits

Sat, 19 May 2012 14:40:00 -0700

i wont get into why or how i did this to myself, but it involves lite self abuse and messed up pleasure/pain wiring in the brain. basically, it was very painful but felt really good, like a certain ‘release’ where the acute pain felt either deserved or commensurate with ongoing non-material pain i constantly feel. the finger sort of looks like a huge ass dong too, which is cool.

this is me trying to fall asleep and idly thinking about ‘death, in general.’ i’m looking at my ceiling and going over how vacant my life is and how vapid i am. like how i am a sentient maggot with a complex nervous system punished ‘for no reason’ with a consciousness able to perceive its own imprisonment inside itself. these sessions usually end up in a fantasy about an asteroid crashing into the earth and me not having to go on twitter or to work or cook dinner the next day. i think damien rice was playing.

this is me on my second glass of wine at ‘sugarlump’ a cafe with bougie menu and wifi. i often come here to write and to feel connected to my community which consists of other lonely people who come to public settings to do private work, each of us almost resentful of the strangers for whom we desperately came. damn, i just thought ‘desperately came’ and imagined something very evocative.

this is me now. you may gather by my depleted countenance that i’m really depressed. it’s 2:31pm and i feel so alone — and not the kind of aloneness which would find relief in a kiss, bang, or conversation; but a kind of irrational fear of actually, simply, being alive, like a panic attack ossified under complete emotional paralysis, where not god or mom or babe or bro can help me. i feel like jack dawson sinking into the cold, rose’s face separating into loose ribbons of faint light above the surface of the water. i’m trying to read a book or maybe should get groceries but all i want to do is go to bed and listen to damien rice or sun kil moon or some acoustic-y music where the bro has a good voice and disturbing childhood. i need a red bull or a priest. i need to go

what i did at work today

Fri, 18 May 2012 16:48:00 -0700

i generally like to start off by watching people who are more messed up than me. today i saw a woman addicted to drinking gasoline on my favorite show ever. she was so depressed and i sort of wanted to move in with her and just watch tv and maybe cuddle (no sex) and maybe be ‘life partners’ or something. it was really touching, i seriously experienced deep empathy for her, and wanted to hold her; then the show featured a black woman who smells doll heads and i quickly became disinterested.

i had a 10:45am appointment at DMV to renew my driver’s license. i got there at 10:20 to start waiting in line and a large Filipino security guard with an obvious toupee told me to sit down, that i couldn’t start waiting in line yet, so then i sat down and went over homicide scenarios in my head (i have ~6-8 of those). not to rant, but i’m a ‘donor’ and feel like you should be one too. we will both be dead and many people who are dying can use our hearts, eyes, hands, kidneys, etc.; i feel like at this point in my life i can only get along with other organ donors.

i went to ‘curry village’ with some co-workers as part of an ongoing ‘power lunch’ series. i had two plates of intensely rendered indian food and two mango lassi (idk the plural for it, but ‘lassis’ looked odd) and now i smell like indian food. i think i consumed ~2000 calories there. they play bollywood music and the indian woman chronically there, the owner or his wife, has not had a day off in three months, according to a co-worker. i see it as business yoga, where you just don’t give a fuck about how you feel. the woman has a diamond where her metaphorical third eye is. she smells like indian food.

during my food coma, i tried to work on a departmental ‘phone tree’ in which i am erroneously orientated as the boss. i blurred out the people and numbers because my readership seems like a bunch of ~20-24 yr old artistic-ish punks who might call the numbers had they been visible and asked ‘do you know jimmy chen?’ and ever since i saw ‘fight club’ i’ve had a distaste for rebellious or socially provocative behavior.

i got really tired and fell asleep in the spare office. using photoshop, i’ve marked where my shadow was, or still would be if i was still lying there. i don’t know if i need meds, but i could actually perceive a severe drop of serotonin or dopamine or whatever in my brain and suddenly felt like dying, like deep in my lower back, and i’ve found that finding a nearby surface to fall asleep on helps. i’m better now, a bit, though i still, on an ontological level, would not mind dying. it’s not that i don’t appreciate life, it’s that i find it hard to appreciate it on a non-judgmental level.

i occasionally like to see people fighting on jerry springer (or people doing the ‘you’re not the father’ dance on maury povitch). i like the paleness of the early ’90s, the inadvertent aesthetics of low video quality. it’s as if these people, so passionate at the time, did not consider how bleached, like the ruins of pompeii, they’d look paused as a ‘video still’ years later. the arc of a thrown stool will find the path of a wide upside-down smile, or in our case, a frown. it’s almost 5:00pm. i have therapy tonight with a zen master who finds it a challenge to respect me, though i can tell he’s trying. this is what i did at work today. i’m sorry.

Mon, 14 May 2012 11:12:30 -0700

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the white stripes

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 14:20:55 -0700

Mira Gonzalez and I started a conceptual non-existent band called “The White Stripes” which serves as a more cutting-edge/lo-fi and attractive version of the original band. Here are three promotional flyers. If you print one out and affix it on the bathroom wall of CBGB, then that would rock. We won’t be playing anywhere, but you may imagine how good we’d sound.

facebook, gmail, and tumblr palettes

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 14:42:49 -0700

facebook, gmail, and tumblr palettes

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Wed, 18 Apr 2012 13:39:08 -0700

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ellipses descending a staircase

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 14:48:01 -0700

ellipses descending a staircase

♥ winona 4ever ♥

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 13:15:11 -0700

♥ winona 4ever ♥