i feel bad for k.d. lang. she’s gained a lot of weight and gives off a guy fieri vibe, like she might tilt her head and eat something massive at any moment — and the haircut doesn’t help. she’s been touring again and i think she bought david byrne’s fancy avante-fat suit. i actually relate to lesbians who might not get chicks that easily, like i know how it feels to see some hooters boppin’ down the street and feel horrible for myself. tonight both k.d. lang and i will pop blueberries in our mouths and think of anne heche’s mean nipples. we’ll wake up at 3:21 a.m., go to our respective fridges, and eat five tablespoons of condensed milk with a fresh mint leaf on top, just to lube our mouths from a no kiss barrenness, and know what sweetness is. i feel like listening to some k.d. lang suddenly. this has got to be the worst day ever